The Cat's Digest

VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent. Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is run and hide.

Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

FOOD: Eating, as you know, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.

c) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent - your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

SLEEPING HUMANS: It is known that sleeping humans are boring. The "direct approach" is nearly always successful in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one of the following:

Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntle manner.

MORNINGS: In order to provide for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, howl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See GAMES. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off. We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could ruin their hearing.

MEDICINE: The vet is where your human takes you when you are sick. The place smells funny; there are cats, dogs and awful things like needles and pills. Don't let humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine

a) When you see the carrier come out, run and hide. Once the human grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet's. Reach through the bars of the carrier and claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, once again splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls so they can't dump you out easily.

b) At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide. Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Shake your head vigorously to remove any medicine placed in your mouth. Refuse any food that smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled in it.

ILLNESS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer then a human's bare foot.

Caring for your cats coat

Safely remove a mat from your cats coat by placing a comb under the mat. Use a seam cutter to cut away the hair on top of the comb. You can also use a small pair of scissors. Cats with severe matting should be taken to a professional groomer to be shaved.

If you notice that your cat is not grooming itself, you may need to take her to a vet. This could be a sign that she has a bad tooth or sickness that needs treatment. Make sure your cat gets hard food or treats to help scrape away plaque and reduce dental problems.

To groom a long haired cat, first use a wide toothed comb to clear tangles. Next use a wire brush to remove dead hair. Then use a fine tooth comb to increase volume, working from the tail to the head. For your kitty's face use a toothbrush, avoiding the eyes.

For short haired cats use a wire brush and follow up with a rubber curry comb or soft natural bristle brush.

Cats shed more often as spring begins. An indoor cat sheds year round, in smaller amounts, than an outdoor cat. Stress, illness and post pregnancy can cause excessive shedding.

The best way to avoid hair balls is regular grooming. If your cat is having trouble passing a hair ball, is constipated and has a loss of appetite, consult a vet immediately. This could be a sign that a hair ball is lodged the stomach or small intestine. This is life a threatening situation.

How to handle your human, a cat's guide.

Chapter 1 Punishing your human:

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire--the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective Alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.

After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

Chapter 2 Rewarding your human:

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend that cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the
expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

Snowball's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 -

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?

Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.

Day 777 -

The wardens take much interest in our shit. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in shit does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.

Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.

Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!

Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?


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Tips and Tricks for Cat Owners

Shedding hair: Brush your kitty with a fine wire brush. To get the hair off of the back of your couch you can run the brush gently over it or rub it with a fabric softener sheet. Extra bonus: Put all that hair in an old onion bag (or other kind of mesh bag) and hang it near your bird feeder. Birds will love that you supplied a nice lining for their nests.

Claws: Instead of declawing your cat, clip her nails. It is easier if you wait until she's sleeping. Gently hold your cats paws, pull back slightly on the pad to expose the nail. Using a small pair of nail clippers, clip above the angle above the thick base where the nail starts to curve: in the clear part of the nail. If you cut too closely, styptic powder can be applied to stop the bleeding quickly. If you dont have any, you can make a thick paste with corn starch and water.

Clawing furniture: Invest in a scratching post.When making this purchase, you want to look for is sturdiness, you don't want it falling over and chasing off the cat or hurting her. Pay attention to your cats preferred scratching areas, does she like vertical or horizontal areas, what does the material feel like. If she still goes after the furniture, try a small spray bottle set to a fine mist to shoo her away, don't aim directly at the cat. Do not use this for litter box problems.

Litter box problems: Cats like litter so if your cats not using his try these steps to help him out. First make sure the litter pan is in a quiet area. If you have multiple cats, observe the behavior of the others using the litter. Establish a daily routine for your cat and introduce new animals/people slowly. Cover dirt in indoor planters with a mesh cloth so she cant dig in it. Try out a different litter or litter pan. Don't move the litter box around too much. Keep the area clean. One last note: you may want to get her a check up to eliminate any medical problems.

Ignorance and Cruel Animal Care

Some people believe that the oil from your automobile can cure mange. This only results in serious, painful burns to the animal. Mange needs to be resolved through parasiticidal treatments. There are two types of mange:
Sarcoptic Mange, also known as Scabies, is highly contagious. The animal will have to be separated from other animals, and a change of bedding. The canine sarcoptic mite can also infest humans and cats, pigs, horses, sheep and various other species.
Demodectic Mange, also known as Red mange, is caused by sensitivity to and overpopulation of Demodex Canis as the animal's immune system is unable to keep the mites in check. This is not contagious.

Many animal owners get their animals when they are very young. What many people don't realize is that they are going to get bigger. In many cases, animals are given collars. If not properly adjusted as the animals grows, the collar becomes embedded into the animals neck. This happens to hundreds of yard dogs each year that are chained to trees as puppies.

When people are getting new pets, the majority want babies. They are cute! But what happens when the owner fails to realize that a kitten can live up to 20 years. Are they able to make that commitment? Do they realize that they wont be cute adorable babies in a year? You would be surprised how many people enter shelters each week stating "This ones old time to change it in for a new one" or "The dog ran away so I need a replacement".

One common misconception is that shelters need animals to make a profit. Some people actually believe that they are contributing by allowing their animal to have multiple litters then dumping them off at shelters. "Here's this years litter" is a known saying from these people that apparently think the shelter has a shortage of animals. There are millions of animals being euthanized each year because there are not enough homes. Shelters don't need your animals for profit.

Declawing your cat? It is not the nail that is removed. Declawing removes everything up to the second knuckle. It is painful. Leads to problems using litter boxes. It is dangerous for a declawed cat to be outside with no means of protection. Grown cats have been known to go mad after these surgeries and latter euthanized for it. It is unnecessary when there are other ways to save a "precious couch".

Spring! Its kitten season!

The average number of litters a fertile cat can produce in one year is 3.

An unspayed female cat will go into heat every 3 weeks.

The average number of kittens in a feline litter is 4–6.

In seven years, one female cat and her offspring can produce 420,000 cats.

Only 1 in 12 of those 420,000 cats born finds a home.

Even if you found homes for all your cats, you are still taking away homes that other homeless cats could have had.

More kittens are born in the spring.

Fortunately, there are several steps you can take before the population in your area gets out of control.

Contact your local Humane society or animal shelter. They have spay/neuter programs set up to help in all circumstances.

For feral (wild) cats you can trap and release. The shelters can usually provide traps. This allows wild, homeless cats to get medical attention that they would not get otherwise.

Most shelters also offer spay/neuter programs for kittens under 5 months of age.

Get your neighbors involved, take up a collection. Point out to the the problems that the area will come into with a large population of cats. The cost of feeding them for years would be a much greater amount than resolving the problem now. If no one is feeding them, think of the garbage cans that will be getting broke into.

Great benefits of spaying and neutering your pets:

• Neutered males are 90% less likely to roam, fight and spray.

• Less kittens/puppies to find homes for.

• Protect your animals from cancer.

• Your pet will live a longer happier life.

• You will be saving thousands of animals from being homeless.

If you find a litter of kittens, DON'T grab them up and take them inside.

If the kittens are alone, don't assume they have been abandoned. Their mother might be out looking for food. Wait for an hour or two to see if she returns. Kittens need to be with their mother until they are 8 weeks old.

If the mother returns, leave them outside if they are feral, and provide food, water and shelter.

If the mother is friendly and you want to bring the kittens inside, make sure you bring the whole family.

If the mother does not return or the kittens look sick and uncared for, use your best judgment in deciding the care for the kittens.

• One-two weeks: Kittens’ eyes start to open — they are blue — and ears begin to open. They are crawling, snuggling and kneading.

• Three weeks: Kittens’ eyes fully open and ears are open and standing up. They are responding to noises and taking their first steps.

• Four-six weeks: Kittens are probably running, playing, digging and pouncing. They are starting to wean, and eyes have fully changed from blue to their adult color.

• Eight weeks: Kittens look like little versions of full grown cats. This is the best age at which to begin the socialization process.

Kittens need to be kept warm. You can use a sock filled with rice or beans, heated in the microwave or a heating pad.

Young kittens need to eat! A small bottle and milk can be purchased anywhere pet products are sold. Also, they need to use the bathroom, use a wet/warm napkin to wipe them until they have been relieved.

Provide a litter box, cats love litter so when they are ready, they will know what to do with it.

If your kitten is wheezing and you notice discharge in its eyes and nose, your kitten may have an upper respiratory problem. This needs to be treated with antibiotics.